Once upon a time there was a boy name Cleetus Neckbone. He's not important to this story. I didn't come here to talk about him. Cleetus has a little sister named Trailer Biscuit, Ickleem McNastibottom, which in her native language translates to "mankind's friend, pilot of the future." Biscuit has no arms or legs. Just kidding - she's fine. Occasionally she emits a scent similar to a Filipina’s feet, but it's ok, she's fine.

Biscuit has a dream. She wants to grow up and be normal. While that's a stretch, anything is possible with God. She also wants to be a veterinarian. She is apprehensive, as this requires many years of study. Then one day while walking to Moanalua High School, where she attends as a sophomore, she was run over by a bus. She wasn't even tipsy. It's ok, she's fine. But she is still a country girl. One sunny day, she shared her dream with a really good-looking rich white guy from church, who happens to be a former firetruck. And he had also previously served as an overpaid volunteer youth worker and Bible teacher at the church. He told her she was stupid. Not really. He did notice that Biscuit has a difficult time doom scrolling on her phone because she was born with four thumbs and each one grew out upside down and backwards. This can happen.

Anyway, the nice man, is also named Cleetus Neckbone. Shut up. Mr. Cleetus laid out a plan for her. Biscuit enjoys school, if for no other reason than to catch up on sleep. Mr. Cleetus showed her how she could take six "Early College" courses offered by her high school and graduate with 18 college credits and never have to leave her high school campus to pull this off. Biscuit was all like "Shut up" and Cleetus was all like "You're not the boss of me stupid". Not really. Senator Cleetus also shared with Biscuit College Level Examination Program (CLEP) information, which is a nationally recognized system of exams that allows students to earn college credit for subjects they already know - without taking the actual college course. This is where things got complicated. Math is hard. Just ask Biscuit's bestie Trailer Tater (Tater 님) - aka Boxhead, Adgabraille McMegamelon who's name in her native language translates to "Goose-people". Not really. It does not translate but transliterates (via modulation techniques) to mean "Trixie Do-Wright inhabits Puffy Clouds near Her Home in the Sun". Or Trailer-Tater?

Miraculously one morning as Biscuit was shuffling along en route to set her frenemie's apartment complex ablaze she was hit by a train. It's okay though - the train was undamaged. Due to the blunt force of the head trauma collision with the on-coming train (because trains are everywhere in Hawaii, you just cannot see them) suddenly she remembered that she could also CLEP out of six college classes and earn another 18 college credit hours. Tater courageously volunteered to oversee the Astro physiological geometric symbiotic calculations required to determine that this would most likely eventuate in Biscuit acquiring a grand total of 36 college credit hours without ever stepping foot on a college campus or logging in to a stupid college website. Air Power! Which by the way, the term "Air Power" is widely understood within the United States Air Force Intelligence Community as being synonymous with a combinant of "Hallelujah" and "Amen" in Christianity. There's that. Don't forget. CLEPs are not free, in Hawaii they cost between $130 to $150 per exam. Again, we paged Tater for mathematical advisement, and she was resolve in stating that the CLEPs would be from $780 to $900. At UH Mānoa, one 3-credit undergraduate class costs approximately $1,413 so it'd make financial sense to invest less than the cost of one course to not have to pay for six courses. I called a geography teacher at this point and requested to borrow a compass, because not only had I lost my way, but was so far ahead of schedule Biscuit's dome was beginning to take the form of an oblong peanut. Really. Tater also stated that in getting the 36 total hours via early study crap and CLEPs that Biscuit would save nearly $17,000. Hello?

Then Biscuit threw bugs in Tater's hair. The word girl translates to vicious and savage, depending on the mood. Or mean. Biscuit and Tater wanted to eat apples but there were spiders inside them.

At this point, Biscuit turned her head in a complete 360 degree's and suddenly became all clingy and needy. Typical girl stuff actually. So Mr. Cleetus directed her not to worry in accordance with the Bible. That after getting 36 hours of credits, she should obviously enlist in the Air Force, Air Power, because it's a haven for women. Air Force women are treated with great reverence and typically granted an unlimited number of passes. Air Force men are known to be both protective and supportive of women in the Air Force and tend to strive to make their experience of life on earth as it will be in Heaven. It's that bad. Really. Of course, as with every society or subculture there is always an element of pig vomit people, and the Air Force does have a minority of puke patch people, uncool freaks. The difference here is that we take those men out back and shoot them. Kidding. Not only that, but Biscuit would earn additional college credits in her initial basic training, known as Air Force Holiday Camp, complete with biscuits and rattlesnake gravy for breakfast, and she will also get many college credits from attending technical school after basic training. She'll be saving money all this time because freedom is limited, but you're so busy it doesn't even matter. But there are other benefits besides always being treated princess-ishly. One, she'd get trained in a real job (yuk) and gain experience. She'll also meet loads of freaky people, Air Power! She could very conceivably get stationed in Hawaii or Korea after completing her technical school. During this time, the Air Force will provide her with $4,500 in tuition assistance annually, she can also continue to take CLEP and DSST exams on base for free (another Air Force benefit). Upon completion of her 4 year enlistment she will have completed an Associate Degree with the Community College of the Air Force (yes we have our own community college loser) and a Bachelor’s degree plus earned the Post 9/11 G.I. Bill benefit. She will also leave the Air Force with a network of friends and professional contacts that will be life-long in many cases. The G.I. Bill comes with both tuition and a housing allowance. She could return to live with her parents for free and let Mama-San get over $3,500 a month for rent from the V.A. Yes, this really happens. She will have completed her 4 year degree while she was in the Air Force and now can pursue a veterinarian degree. Meanwhile, her peers are chain smoking blunts and racking up debt from student loans, ha-ha.

Also, during her 4 years as an active duty Airman (person, thingy, whatever), she will encounter well over 1,000 young people she would have never met otherwise. During this time she'll be presented with countless opportunities to share about her faith in Jesus Christ and educate a predominately unchurched population of young twenty-somethings, the majority of whom come from far less enviable circumstances than her loving Christian home. If by chance, these people are not influenced by her leadership and other soft skills she can throw filth on their haircuts. She'll feel better. She will also win awards for her performance and be honored with military decorations for outstanding service. I know this because this is the typical experience of classy young women in the Air Force. She may also separate from active duty with a Top Secret security clearance, I mean if I can do it. So she will have a significantly higher earning power than her stupid peers.

Upon returning home she will have a joyous reunion with her bestie Tater and drink excessively. Kidding. I would. But you are not me. They won't smoke crack, I wouldn't either. Eat bugs. At this point she has two tasty options. First, she can use her G.I. Bill benefit to cover her first year of medical school on island and rake in the housing allowance cash, living at home and enjoying the housing allowance money. Upon completion of year one of medical school, she can enter an Army program called the Health Professions Scholarship Program (HPSP). This hot little program provides full tuition coverage at accredited U.S. medical, dental, veterinary, optometry, or psychology schools for years 2 through 4, a signing bonus of up to $20,000, a monthly stipend (currently $2,999/monthly as of July 1, 2025), as well as covering all books, equipment, and fees. She will begin this process by becoming a commissioned Army officer as a Second Lieutenant (O-1) in the U.S. Army Reserve, this occurs at the beginning of the program. One trade-off for this program is she would have 45 days of Active Duty for Training (ADT) per year while in school, which is no major whoop because it's officer training schools and clinical rotations, or board study leave. The big deal here is she would have a three year active duty service commitment. She would have to be an officer in the Army and again, could be stationed in Korea or work on Tripler or Schofield Barracks. Note, she could go HPSP for all four years of veterinary school, I just wanted to demonstrate that her GI Bill benefit is an awesome option. She could also blow off the Army thing totally and use just her G.I. Bill. But the Army option is more interesting, so I won't stop talking about it.

I'm not chasing bunnies here, but I am going to redirect for two seconds to explain something critical. When you approach the subject of serving in the military with young people, especially teenagers with no exposure to the life, they enter a projection mode. They project their preconceived ideas, often referred to as " preconceived notions" whatever the crap a notion is. Fruity word, my take. The overwhelming majority of the time these projective type thoughts are total fallacy. Not even reality based. This is especially fitting in this situation. American's with no military experience, them cheese eating civilians, pretty much have no idea how chilled the medical communities within the military are. Stop for a second and shake your head - I think your brain is stuck. Consider for example, Tripler Army Hospital. What else is on that installation? Nothing military. Every other building is either for military housing, hospital support staff and there is a hotel and some places for old people to go die. You will not see military medical people hanging out with knuckle dragging Rambo wannabe freaks playing army. It don't happen because they are too valuable. So, Biscuit would hardly ever where a regular Army uniform. She'd sport doctor gear. Stupid lab coats. Only difference between military and civilian medical gear is the military nurses sport those unflattering pajama looking "scrub" thingy’s, that only come in real ugly colors, vice the smoking hot civilian nurse uniforms with the zip up miniskirts and white stockings (not that I noticed much) and the tweaked out stupid little hat - does anyone know what the stupid hat is for? Anyway, they have a totally different military experience and exist within their own little bubble. It may be a double standard, but it works for us. Please get out of my room.

When a veterinarian completes medical school in this program, they become a dual-degree professional - holding both a DVM (Doctor of Veterinary Medicine) and an MD (Doctor of Medicine). This opens up unique career paths in comparative medicine, research, public health, and interdisciplinary clinical roles. So she won't suck. If she opts to blow off this Army option, it's no big deal because she has the G.I. Bill and she could combine that with another variation of the Army program: The Health Professions Scholarship Program (HPSP) Clinical Internship, often referred to as HAP, which is a short-term summer training opportunity for medical students. This allows her to get paid military pay as a Second Lieutenant plus receive the monthly stipend while doing summer internships at Tripler Hospital and does not have any active duty service requirement tied to it, so she maintains her civilian scum status. Haha. I wish everything sparkled. I like sparkly things, I bet you do too so get all up off my jock Bro.

So now that my mind's clarity has been a beacon in your fog of confusion I'm sure you can clearly see that Biscuit's life will become a daily mountain top experience well before she turns 30. It will be just her. Alone. On the mountain top. With a quart of Busch beer and an eagle. We'll only see her on holidays. Which is fine. A little is enough.